As they enjoy their post-coital tea and bagels, he musters
up the courage to ask what he’d wanted to know from very early on in their
affair, “Would you leave him for me?”
A dreaded pause follows in the wake of his query. She calmly
responds, “Are you actually asking me to do this or are you testing me with a
hypothetical?”
He has to process this question through his head for a
moment because he’s not sure it makes a difference. Is he actually asking her
to do this thing or is he testing her? He decides to not wear himself out
ciphering out the differences, if in fact there are any, and asks another
question, “What does it matter?”
Her voice is unaffected—like a teacher or mother gently
explaining to a child. Without condescension her response is measured and
instructive. “If the question is hypothetical—a test—then my answer creates one
of multiple scenarios, none of which is positive. If you are actually asking me
the question, then the outcome of my response is narrowed to two predictable
outcomes.”
He had to smile at the way her mind had essentially turned
his question into a math problem—a problem he was not following with her same
sense of logic. “Could you please explain how my question has become an
exercise in statistical analysis?” he asks with amusement in his tone.
She says she is happy to explain and begins. “If the
question is hypothetical, then you may or may not have already worked out what
response you are hoping for, which in itself introduces an element of
unpredictability.” She lets him digest this statement for a moment before
continuing. “Consequently, the possible scenarios are:
- You have not decided what response you would like and my response is ‘No.’
- You have not decided what response you would like and my response is ‘Yes.’
- You have decided what response you would like, that response is ‘No,’ and my response is ‘No.’
- You have decided what response you would like, that response is ‘No,’ and my response is ‘Yes.’
- You have decided what response you would like, that response is ‘Yes,’ and my response is ‘No.’ and
- You have decided what response you would like, that response is ‘Yes,’ and my response is ‘Yes.’
“From my point of view, six possible scenarios, each with
its own outcome . . . and in at least two of the scenarios, I can imagine two possible outcomes.”
“And if the question is actually being asked?”
“If the question is actually being asked, then right away an
assumption can be made as to the desired response.”
He raises his eyebrows at this statement, “It can be?”
“Yes,” she answers emphatically. “If you ask me with
intention, ‘Would you leave him for me?’ than I can pretty much assume you have
decided that the response you would like to hear is ‘Yes.’”
“Why do you assume that?”
“I think it is one of those questions you wouldn’t ask
unless you were hoping for a positive response. Sort of like asking someone to
marry you. I don’t think you would ask, ‘Would you marry me?’ and hope to be
turned down.”
He thinks about this and decides to agree that the
assumption is valid. “So assuming I have
decided what response I want and that response is ‘Yes,’ then you’re saying
there are only two possible scenarios.”
“That’s right,” she agrees. “Only two.”
He further speculates that those two scenarios are:
- Desired answer is “Yes” and the answer is “Yes.”
- Desired answer is “Yes” and the answer is “No.”
“We can break the problem of the hypothetical down even
further,” she goes on. “Depending on the scenario, your reaction to my answer
could be relief, hurt, horror, or happiness to name a few but that’s not the
worst of it.”
“What is the worst of it?”
“In all of the hypothetical situations, the problem of the
outcome is further complicated by the unpredictability of the emotional
responses that could then be triggered.”
This was very complicated but he was intrigued and wanted
her to continue. “Give me some examples,” he encourages her.
“In scenario one and two, my answer will provoke you into
deciding on the spot whether you are happy or not with the answer. If you are
happy with it, then we go on and all is well. But, if you are not happy with it
then a conflict has been set in motion. Plus the conflict is double-edged
because one or the other of us is going to be left feeling hurt. One might feel
that the other doesn’t actually care about the relationship, which would be
absurdly untrue but a logical conclusion under the circumstances. Scenarios
three and six will likely end in an agreeable way as well, although scenario
six will in all likelihood then beg us to make a decision to take action.
Scenarios four and five are the most difficult because there can not be a
conflict-free resolution to either one. We will be unalterably faced with
deciding ‘what happens next?’ I have to then ask, what good has been served by
answering the question, which wasn’t a real question in the first place because
it was just a hypothetical? Maybe we now fight about this thing that was never
a thing. Maybe we end the relationship as a result, therefore ending any
further exploration of what might come in the future.
“I see either and all of these outcomes as undesirable
therefore I logically conclude that an answer to the hypothetically asked
question serves no purpose and should not be answered.”
He thinks he is following her train of thought and agrees
that if he meant the question to be in the hypothetical, then it was a
thoughtless and irrelevant one.
She continues, “If on the other hand you are actually asking
me the question, ‘Would you leave him for me?’ then it’s more like flipping a
coin to see if it will be heads or tails. With only two scenarios to consider,
the answer to the question either creates a conflict because the relationship
is deemed to be unsatisfactorily stalled, which might lead to only one logical
outcome—a break-up—or creates a harmoniously mutual goal, which can then be set
upon to achieve.”
He considers all this and decides, “The next time I ask the
question, I will actually ask it.”
She nods her head in approval.
Copyright by DJ Anderson, 2006
